I’ve been a mother for twenty years.

I don’t remember the person I was before kids came along anymore. It’s not a sad thing. I’m sure she was fun and happy, interesting and all, but we wouldn’t have much in common anymore. I’ve changed.

Motherhood transforms you into a person you didn’t know you could be. I can remember my concerns when I was pregnant… how will I know they are sick or running a fever, what if I sleep so deeply I can’t hear them cry or call out for me, can I love my second one the same as the first, I can’t spank them. I laugh at these now. Silly concerns.

Each stage has its own concerns I suppose and then you pass them without a blink, thinking that wasn’t so hard after all. Each step prepping you for the next. And the next.

I use to want to see a glimpse of the future, to look around and see the state of things, answers to my questions, what it held for us. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I haven’t even thought of it in ages. I don’t think I could handle it. I need the little stages that come up fast, and we stroll on easily past or fight to maintain control on the bumpy road but over and on to the next. How else could we inexperienced and innocent moms prepare for what we will be called to do, except little by little? Perhaps starting with the silly. 

If I could sit down with myself 20 years ago and share my thoughts, I’d tell myself to take more moments to just watch their little hands and feet. take naps with your children, trust yourself and your instincts always, don’t take their behavior personal, take candid pictures of everyday moments, don’t make excuses. AND I would tell her, you are going to do good, you love God and Kevin and your boys more than anything and you will do your best.

Everyone says it goes too fast but sometimes that’s not enough to get you thru the long days. But it is true, when the school years start the years fly by and you just have to hold on and relish the snippets of time you have remaining when other things begin taking them away. You never know when the “last time” is going to be. The last time you tie their shoes,  tuck them in, read a bedtime story. These last times slip away and first times take their places.

Twenty years of motherhood. It’s been a blessing. A journey. A pleasure.

I’m glad we get to be mothers forever.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Katey